The Funk Caused by the Mess

So Sunday afternoon going into yesterday, I was most definitely in a funk.  I could feel the heaviness of many things on me.  FB and the way people bully and use it most definitely does not help this funk.  So yesterday, I wrote about my heart and my frustrations with the way we treat one another and the way some of our leaders lead.  Today, I want to explain another part of that funk.

6 years ago, I had scheduled a surprise birthday golf trip for my amazing hard working husband.  He and I went to Florida for just a few days of one on one time and he got to play golf with absolutely no guilt trips.  A few days before we left, I went to see my Obgyn for a check up.  During that check up, the nurse practitioner felt a cyst and was concerned at the size.  She immediately sent me on to get a ultrasound and some measurements.  After all that, she said go, have fun on your trip, just be careful and be alert to any changes....these are the things to be watching for....yada, yada, yada.....we will figure out the next steps as soon as you get back.

What I heard was oh no, somethings wrong, my life is about to change, and of course, I need to use google to see how quickly I am dying. I say that last one with a smile of it's ridiculousness but still to this day, I google as soon as something feels off.

Anyways, I digress.  Leaving for the weekend that we were so looking forward to, most definitely had a different feel about it now.  We of course were still excited but the entire time, we knew there was something waiting for us when we got back.  Something more than we had known about just a few days earlier.

When Josh and I sneak away on trips, he longs for golf and I long for alone time with a good book and some beautiful scenery, a beach, the mountains, really anywhere I can enjoy God's beauty.  This trip, I took Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts.  I had been saving it to dive into on this trip.  It could not have been a more fitting time or book to read as we now know our family was about to enter into our cancer battle, one of the things that changed our lives forever.

God used the words in this book, the words that He gave Ann Voskamp to change my life and my perspective on our MESS. I entered into the mess of cancer with an attitude of gratitude.

I wanted to LIVE fully in the presence of my Savior here on earth.
I wanted to feel Him during the MESS.
I wanted to see Him in the people He surrounded us with.
I wanted to notice and enjoy the sunsets and sunrises(Mik, I am smiling right now because I remember doing this with you and the joy it brought me when you said, "Hey mom, look at that!" pointing out a beautiful sunset one day driving home).
I wanted to focus on JOY not yuck.

Josh and I had a lot of fun on the trip despite the looming news and diagnoses.  We came back fresh and hopeful for the road ahead.  At the time, we had no idea what we were about to face.

6 years later, my body remembers this weekend for what it was whether I want to remember the scary and looming part or not.  It is crazy how certain traumas trigger physical reactions without us even realizing.  Yesterday I was definitely in a funk, I literally did not want to get out of bed, I did not want to see the positive, I did not want to face the day.  But I did, hesitantly.

Writing on my blog helped.
Reading God's word helped.
Unloading on a few trusted people helped.
Blasting worship music and singing at the top of my lungs helped. It was a joyful noise to God, maybe not anyone else. ;)

I recognize that the next few months will be hard for me, they are the months that are triggered by surgeries and diagnoses and treatment. My physical body remembers the scary mess but my soul remembers:
the strength that came from the trial
the joy in the tears
the people that carried us
the story!

There will be many days that I have to choose to get up and get going! I will have to choose to LIVE fully in this messy world.  I will have to choose to PRAISE HIM at the top of my lungs.  I will have to choose to let my story change me.  I will choose to remember and to be grateful for the gift I have in this life.  The gift that God has given me!  I choose to live freely loved unconditionally by a loving Father who created me in His image to love others!

STOP at some point today and recognize God's beauty!!! And share with us in the comments below, either a picture or a story!  LIVE and LOVE today!


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