I am a Survivor
So, it has been 15 months since my world began spinning faster than normal. On October 31st 2011, I found out that the ovarian cyst we thought would be normal, was more than likely cancer. In November, I had a total hysterectomy and found out I had Stage 3b ovarian cancer. In December, I started treatments that completely rocked my world, both physically and spiritually. In April, I finished treatments. In 6 months, I went through a huge life changing event from start to finish.
When it was over, it was not really over. To most people, I seem like a perfectly healthy normal adult and I myself try really hard to appear or pretend to be. But the fact is, I am a cancer survivor and with that comes many things that at first glance people might not see.
Physically, I struggle with the fact that I am not the person I was before. Chemo zapped my strength and energy. And yes, it is coming back and it will eventually be normal again but I have to realize that it is not an overnight process. My memory and brain capacity(as I call it) is nowhere near what it once was. This is probably the thing I struggle with the most. Things that were always easy to me and things that I used to enjoy are now hard and require much more effort.
Spiritually, it was so easy to wholly rely on God while I was in the middle of treatments. Everything else didn't seem to matter near as much. I felt like all I had was Him(isn't that what He wants) Those 6 months were probably the closest I have ever been with God. It was amazing and such a time of growth. Now, I am struggling. I want that closeness again but it has become so easy to let everything else get in the way again. I have said multiple times that I know cancer was dealt my way for a reason. I have learned so much from God through cancer. But my fear is that the lessons learned are too easily forgotten by not only me but the ones around me. And I feel that if we forget, then the greatest fight of my life was all for nothing.
As I write this, I am crying...because I think this is the beginning of a process for me. I feel like I have recently become cynical and bitter about a lot of things in my life. God showed me through my fight that your perspective on life really shapes who you are and how you handle situations. I can choose to get up every day and look for everything negative and then dwell on that...OR...I can wake up every day and look for everything I have to be thankful for and let that shape my day. Thankfulness came easy during the fight but now it has become harder. Odd, huh....
I have been working through lots of things both physically and spiritually and I think that I have just had a break through. I am a survivor for a reason. Instead of trying to forget what I went through, I need to embrace it. God used cancer for His glory and who am I to throw that away.
I want to leave you with this song, because it has become one of my favorites for many reasons. Just listen to it: