Roller Coasters

I feel like my life started a really long roller coaster at the end of September and it is only 3/4 of the way through.  I used to love roller coasters when I was younger. 
I would get so excited and nervous, we would run to the coaster only to be disappointed that we would have to wait to get on the ride. 
Once on the ride, I would begin to have that moment of doubt.  "What am I doing and why?  I can't do this...." then a friend or sibling would grab my hand and encourage me.  "You can do this. It will be over before you know it." 
Then the ride would start this very slow assent that only builds the anticipation and fear.  The confidence remained until I reached the top and looked down, "AAAAHHHHHHHH, get me off this thing."
Only it's too late.  At this point, I think, "It will be over before I know it. Just sit back and try to enjoy the ride."
With each drop, the fear eases only to be built by the next twist, turn, drop, or loop. 
Finally I was at the end and all of the sudden the ride halts.  I look at my friend with a brave face and laugh, saying, "That wasn't so bad!  Let's do it again!" 


In September, we were told, you have a cyst, we need to wait and watch.  Thus the anticipation and fear began but then we had to wait in that long line.

In October, I had my first surgery and we were told there would have to be another because of what they found.  The assent to the ride of my life.  There were lots of friends holding my hand and encouraging me along the way.

In November, I had a total hysterectomy, which we thought was going to be the end of the ride, only to find out that the ride was only beginning.  I definitely felt and thought many times, "AAAAHHHHH, get me off this thing."  But instead, I grabbed on to my friends, family and God, and said, "Bring it on!"

The next twist was my first treatment, which definitely made me want to get off the ride again, but then I had a good week and thought, "This isn't so bad."

Then my second treatment, and again, I wanted to depart the ride.  I learned to hold onto my friends a little tighter and that the only way I could make it through this is with the strength of God.

The third treatment came with a major drop on the ride.  I ended up in the hospital for a day and half with heart issues again.  This drop has probably been the worst so far.  I definitely don't want to go through that ER visit again.  I was just about ready to jump off the ride.  I was pleading with God to make the ride smoother and easier.  Instead, I should have been asking Him to hold my hand tighter and to give me His strength to endure.

I am looking forward to the end of this ride.  We are over half way done.  I am ready for the halting stop at the end.  And I pray that I can look back and say, "That wasn't so bad!"  Although I know I won't be saying, "Let's do it again!"  There is a reason I said that I liked roller coasters when I was younger....I am getting too old for the thrills of the ride.  


A few things I have learned about roller coasters. 

1.  There ride is much better with good friends.
2.  There is an end.
3.  Hold on tight!  to God that is....
4.  Don't let fear and anticipation get the best of you...
5.  You might not know what's around the bend, but you will make it through.

I only have 3 more treatments.  Please continue to pray with us.  Specific prayer requests are:
1.  My heart stays in sync and does not start racing again.
2.  Strength and endurance for me.  I am struggling with moments of wanting to throw in the towel and wallow in my self pity.
3.  Camp, I feel like things are racing around me and I can't keep up. 
4.  My kids continue to know and rely on God.  That when they see me sick, fear does not overtake their thoughts.
5.  My CT scan today: that no signs of cancer show up in the scan.

Thank you for riding this rollercoaster with us.

Love, ME

Comments

  1. Okay, Michelle- I've been on the ride and I got to the end. I don't want to ride again, but I can look back now and remember all the good that came out of it. I choose to make that my focus. There were a few days of despair, but I can't remember them so much. I see the sparkle of silver linings all around me. So I guess I can say today, one year after I lost my hair, "that wasn't so bad!" I am more grateful, more loving, more committed to people, more in love with my Lord, more amazed by what He has done through this, and the list goes on. With perseverance and courage, you will get to the end of the ride, take a breath, and ask "What's the next ride? Bring it on!"

    After my third treatment, I was hit hard too. It made me even more grateful when I was well. Health feels SO good! Everyday that I get out of bed to engage in productive activity is a GOOD day! Can't say that I appreciated each new day the way I do now. What a gift! To go through life with a grateful heart feels like a cup that is full to overflowing. Hope I can spill it on a few more people!

    Praying for you daily and today especially that the CT scan shows all good things! Praying also for God to have His purpose for all of this made complete, so that we can see His good work and glorify Him in the midst of it!

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    1. Once again, thank you Elizabeth! I know that God placed you in my life as an example of strength and a source of comfort during this time in my life. Love you!

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  2. Michelle, I am so sorry that you having this roller coaster ride and I truly wish it could be a lot smoother. I love how you talk about instead of asking God to take it away, you ask that He holds you tighter and gives you the strength to endure this scarey ride. I don't know many people who can handle this ride as well as you have. I pray constantly for you and your sweet family. Praying especially hard today for good CT results. Love bunches!

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    1. Nila, I want you to know how much your constant encouragement means to me. You really have been a great source of strength for me, even from many many miles away! Love you bunches!

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  3. Michelle, I was just sharing with a co-worker this morning about the roller coaster ride you have been on and how you are handling it with such grace and courage. You are a woman of faith! You are showing others how to truly rely on God and put your trust in Him when trials come your way. Praying for good results on the CT scan today and for strength to endure the remainder of the ride. I love you!

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    1. Thank you Julie for being one of the many people has joined me on this roller coaster ride. I love you and truly appreciate all your encouragement and prayers.

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  4. Thank you for sharing Michelle. It helps me to keep my own trials into perspective and remember to cling tight to God. Your blog is such an encouragement to me. Praying for you as you continue the ride.

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  5. As always Michelle, I am so proud of how your faith has kept you strong, and how much you have let God be your strength. I don't know anyone who has handled all you have had to deal with as well as you have. I'm praying the CT scan is all good, and will pray for all the upcoming treatments. I love you. Grandma

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    1. I love you too Grandma and thanks for everything you have done and continue to do along this rollercoaster ride.

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  6. Praying for your heart, strength, camp, kids & scan. May you feel the peace of being lifted up today.

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    1. Thank you, Lauren for your continuous support and prayers. You truly are an example of the hands and feet of Christ.

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