Man, This is Hard

Man, this is harder than I thought.  The last few days have been tough, tougher than I imagined they would be.  But then again, I don't think anyone really knows what to expect when it comes to chemotherapy. 

Tuesday morning, Josh and I headed to the hospital.  I was pretty easy spirited and ready to handle whatever this dealt.  The nurses where super nice and helped make things easier.  I was doing fine until I had a reaction after lunchtime to the first chemo drug.  I started having intense muscle pain in my legs which the nurses immediately remedied with muscle relaxers and other drugs that proceeded to knock me out.  I don't remember much else about that day because they had me on so many different things to relax me.  Although, everyone I talked to that afternoon is still laughing because I don't remember much.

Honestly, I can say that the last few days have been HARD!  I don't have the energy to do hardly anything and I feel like I am walking around in a cloud while my life is happening around me.  Even in this, I can say I have hope, today has been much better.  I am still really tired but I am starting to have a little relief.  I am trying to not get wrapped up in the fact that I am going to have to go through all this 5 more times.  If I can live one day at a time, then each day will bring what it does and I will not worry or be anxious about the next. 

Today I am trying to remember, "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
I am not in this alone, I will conitnue to rely on my God and He will pull us through this, but "Man, this is HARD!"

Love, Me


  1. Michelle
    We prayed for you last night at KidZone large group practice. I am in awe of your determination to face this trial with courage, humor, truth, and trust in the Lord. I am definitely rooting for you!
    Kathleen Grieve

  2. Sweet Michelle,
    I've been where you are.. On a smaller scale, but I still understand! I have a chronic autoimmune disorder and one of the many things the docs tried was oral chemo. I took it every week for about 5 months and I SO understand the whole "in a cloud" feeling. Are you nauseated at all? One of the things I used to really worry about was that my kids would have these memories of me always sick. Though I try really hard to go on with life, there are days when pain prevents me from being the mom I want to be. But a sweet friend shared with me once that God will build such character and compassion in my kids bc they've grown up learning that the universe doesn't revolve around them... That there are times when we need to care about other people first. I really do think that my boys have a better understanding of selflessness than most kids their ages. They're not perfect at it, but I think they're getting it and your babies will to. There's so much to be said for sticking thru things as a family. God has sweet things for your sweet family even in the middle of cancer. I'm so sorry you're having to walk through this, but you are so right to let Him sustain you. Isaiah 46:4 says "even to your old age and grey hair... I AM He.. I AM He who WILL sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Hold onto these promises and know that while He carries you, there are lots of people who love you now and have loved you in the past who are carrying you through this in prayer! Take care, love!

  3. So sorry to hear you had a reaction to one of the chemo drugs! Thankfully they know what to do now, whatever the reaction. And hopefully the regimen will be changed enough next time that you won't have the same problem. Plenty of benedryl!!!
    Thinking of you as you begin what I am ending...


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