I Would be Lying if I Said I Wasn't Nervous

My head is full of so many things I want to share and say right now but I don't have that much time.  I have learned and am continuing to learn so much through this journey...so for this morning, I will share briefly where I am at.

I am nervous as heck, I have no idea what to expect from these treatments.  I have a beautiful and amazing sister in Christ that has reached out to me and tried to give me some details from her treatment last year but she only had 1 of the same drugs as me.  And chemo treats everyone differently so I just have to wait and see what will happen with me.  I had to start a cortisteroid yesterday and it made me feel crazy yesterday.  I have to take it the day before treatment, the day of and the day after.  It is making me easily flustered and a little easy to get angry and cry.  I pray that this will get better.

Today, I am nervous but relying on His word.

2 Corinthians 12:9
 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I am learning more than ever right now, that my weakness is the only way that Christ can shine.  I am having to learn to be weak and to allow Christ to carry me.  I am learning to have to let my brothers and sisters in Christ take care of me, to love me, and to be my strength.  Those of you that know me, know that this is something God has really had to work on with me.  I have always been She-woman and tried to everything myself.  But I am learning that She-woman is not that great and that live is so much better when you do it with others.

Psalm 62:6-8
He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

This is so true.  I don't feel that I could walk into this treatment today without this promise from His word.  The days I start without leaning on God, are most definitely the worst.  If I live my day with Him and relying on Him, the small stuff is easier to get through.

I am also scared and the thing that scares me the most right now, is that I won't have the energy to love my kids and family the way I need to.  (I am tearing up as I type this right now)  What I am realizing and learning daily is that again in my weakness, this is where Christ and my brothers and sisters in Christ will shine.  We have been so blessed with incredible people to pick up where I might fall short.  I pray that my kids won't even recognize that I might not be able to help us much as I normally do.

I also am recognizing that laughter is the one of the best medicines.  Keep me laughing my friends.  Tease me, have fun with me and treat me like you would whether I had this cancer thing or not.  The other night I was out with the girls and my sister in law, looked at me and said, "You will tell us when enough joking is enough, right?"  My answer is yes, but I am may be fragile but I am not broken so lets have fun through this and make the best of it.
My husband is telling me I have to quit and get ready so I better do that.  Send me scriptures, jokes or whatever you want to this morning to keep me entertained.  Also, if you play Words with Friends or WordFeud, find me so we can play.  Blessedfamchaos

Love, Me


  1. Michelle, prayers are being sent for you sweet girl. You are in my heart today and everyday. Wish my words were more eloquent, wish I coukd do more to help... Loving you from here.

    love you,


  2. You could ask them whether they could give you the steroid by infusion (into your IV) just before the Taxol - it's what they do for me, although I also have to take them for a few days after chemo. Tell the nurses about what the steroid is doing to you - your quality of life matters, and they often know what you can do to feel better, whatever the issue may be.

    As far as the actual chemo drugs, are you getting Taxol and Carboplatin (standard of care)? Those are what I've had, plus I've got Avastin. They each have their profiles of common and less common side effects, but you're right, not all of them will happen to you. And in fact, the side effects may change as you go on. Write in a journal or something to keep track, believe me when I say that you really might not remember details by the time you get to see the doctor again before your next round! It's amazing but true - your mind is full of the details as you go thru it, but between stress, disrupted sleep, and the drugs, your memory may not be what you're used to for a while.

    You will always love your children and your husband as much as ever, or more, it's just that what you may be able to do for or with them will change - for now. It's long but *temporary*. It's hard but you will find that your family is strong and their strength can support you when you need it.

    There's a book that may help, called _When_A_Parent_Has_Cancer_, for a couple of reasons. One, the author is a doctor who had recurrent cancer while having young children, so she has lots of experience and tips to share; and two,you get to see how things could be a lot worse, which helps get through the bad times. I find it hard going emotionally and so only read it when I'm feeling pretty good and strong, but that's enough.

    I do hope that everything went smoothly today, expecting that it did! Good luck over the next week - I will be thinking of you.


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