The pain from my surgery is better and I feel like my body is beginning to recover but my heart has a ways to go.  The scriptures that everyone has sent are amazing and they are on their way to making it to the walls and a portable photo album for me to carry.

Tuesday after the surgery was visitor and phone call filled....therefore I didn't have much time to really stop and feel the weight of all of this.  That evening Josh and I sat down and actually talked about this.  The only words we can truly come up with is: "It sucks!"  but in the same instance we are positive and we know that God will carry us through this. I am thankful for the conversation we had. 

Wednesday was hard...it was quieter around the house.  I started the day with the scriptures you all have been sending which was great.  I was exhausted yesterday, I felt like heavy lead weights were weighing me down.  I was still waiting to hear from the oncologist which means every time the phone rang, my heart dropped and 99% of the time, it wasn't his office.  His office did eventually call and the appointment is set for Tuesday at 2:00.  Tuesday?????that is 6 days away....WOW...waiting without letting it consume me or us.  Later in the day my brother responded to the wait time with a simple text, "Good thing we are trusting in God and not chariots."   So true!!!  I have told myself this mutliple times since then.  My breaking point was at dinnertime yesterday and the silliest thing did it, isn't that ususally the case.  I realized I have permanently lost all my pictures on my blog and I lost it.  I cried........the cry was not about the pictures (which I still have on my computer just not in my blog) though but WHY?????  It was amazing how the cry helped, I was refreshed....

then this morning, the first tweet I read was the verse Psalm 56:3 and then I read the whole Psalm. 

Psalm 56

In God I Trust

To the choirmaster: according to The Dove on Far-off Terebinths. A Miktam[a] of David, when the Philistines seized him in Gath.

1 Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;
all day long an attacker oppresses me;
2my enemies trample on me all day long,
for many attack me proudly.

3When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.
4In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me?
5All day long they injure my cause;[b]
all their thoughts are against me for evil.
6They stir up strife, they lurk;
they watch my steps,
as they have waited for my life.
7For their crime will they escape?
In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!

8You have kept count of my tossings;[c]
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
9Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that[d] God is for me.
10In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise,
11in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

12I must perform my vows to you, O God;
I will render thank offerings to you.
13 For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

The entire psalm is amazing...how simple is verse 3 and that is exactly what I am trying to do.  And verse 8 is so comforting to me in many ways:
     1.  He is watching me toss and turn and counting.  He is caring and he is loving me.  I went to sleep last after the tossing with the comfort of Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
     2.  He expects me to cry, he has a special jar just for my tears.  He loves me unconditionally and loves when I am vulnerable to Him.

So far Thursday is good and I have lots of friends and family along with the strength of God to keep it that way.  But if I lose it, it's OK, because I am human after all and God would rather me be real with Him than try to hide from Him what he already knows. 

Matthew 11:28
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Keep the scriptures coming, I LOVE THEM and each of you.....they are becoming a great way for me to lift each of you up also. 



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